23 Randi Buckley

I dare you to disengage.

Not yet.  Wait and kindly keep reading.

I dare you to disengage, to unplug, to remove yourself as the circuitry from a conversation, situation, a moment, a relationship, a thought… that is not one you want to be a part of.

Disengagement says “not like this”.  It’s a powerful thing to do.  Sometimes, it is the kindest and most compassionate thing for all involved.

I’m a big believer that we don’t have to show up to every argument we’re invited to- but so often we want to show up to plead our case, reason, take a stand, offer an olive branch- only to have it (repeatedly) used to try to poke us in the eye.

Disengagement can change the landscape to something better. It might offer an end to madness or a temporary breather while changing conditions and emotional states.  Thoughtful disengagement immediately takes the sting out of pain and suffering in a context that is not working; whether a big- deal, or more of an uncomfortable pebble-in-your-shoe situation.

Sometimes we perpetuate pain and suffering (our own and others’) under the guise of being responsible and doing the right thing. That burns.  But a fire only needs three things: heat (ignition), fuel, and oxygen.  There is no fire without fuel.  Disengagement redirects your energy to another possibility. Thoughtful disengagement might be enough to dampen a fire burning out of control or stop the burn completely.

A dare to disengage is not a cry to abandon, or an invitation to forego humanity.  It is a heartfelt invitation, in the right situation, to let your actions speak to who you are and what you are willing to be a part of.  It is an invitation to not let pain and suffering masquerade as trying to ‘do the right thing’.  It is removing yourself from circuitry that is faulty and redirecting your energy toward respect and love.

It might take more energy and courage to disengage than to let a fire burn or an electric current continue to flow, as there is so much energy that wants to be expended.  But it is wise to shut off the electricity before re-wiring.

A dare to disengage is an invitation to compassion, respect and a healthier way… for all involved.

Randi Buckley
Teacher and coach for truth, depth and wisdom for real life.  She takes women and partnerships from tricky to truth and icky to ease, with life’s hard questions and sticky situations.
www.randibuckley.com and Facebook

12 thoughts on “23

  1. Oh yes. Disengage. I feel like we forget this as an option to conflict. We must stay and fight, and be right, right? This is a tool I want my daughters to have. The ability to disengage. Thank you for the reminder Randi.

  2. This has made me forgive myself a little, actually…I am an expert disengager, and I have been accused of emotional unavailability, of being cold, calculating…my refusal to argue with someone has cost me relationships. So, I am looking for that space between “Your opinion is irrelevant to my experience” and “Your opinion matters so much to me I must change your mind to continue on.” :o)

  3. I really need to disengage. I get total disengagement when I go out of town, I am doing that Tuesday. Really, really need it. Thanks for a nice post!

  4. Ohhh LOVE this Randi! Not just this post but I was pulled to go look at the 30 day list. I’m going to print it and do one each day! I agree to disengage sometimes takes more energy initially. That is because it takes an action and action takes energy. And, I’ve found it can be very worth it to disengage. Thanks and I look forward to reading the other posts.

  5. I have actually been experimenting with this in my own life too recently. I feel it’s important to disengage responsibly as you suggest – not to avoid conflict, but rather a conscious decision to simply let go.

  6. I met with my friend and accountability partner, Claudia Olivie this morning and she told me about you so I popped over to see what’s going on and I just have to tell you what a great post this is. Having gone through a situation that required disengagement for various reasons, I know this is so true. There is no resolution other than disengagement sometimes. No matter how much your ego screams at you, the peace that comes from letting go is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. Thanks for the post and I am sure I will be back!

  7. I totally agree and I’m an advocate for disengaging when it comes to conflict situations.
    Disengaging means to let go, no matter how much our ego stomps its little feet and wants to be right, and be heard and win the argument.
    Disengaging means to be stronger than our egos. That’s always a good thing 🙂

  8. EVERY blinkety-blink (I’m being polite and not using potty-mouth words here) time I read a post of Randi Buckley’s I gasp – EVERY time!

    This went right to my heart and kind of wrapped it in a mantle of sweetness. Sweetness with its feet on the ground, not pie-in-the-sky. I am holding these words close (as well as chuckling over the humor) – and plan to immediately work some disengaging (with love) magic!

    Thank you Randi for the brilliance, and thank you Lissa for creating “I dare you to…”

    • You are SO kind, Karen. Thank you! I’m glad you see the humor in it too. Sometimes even just seeing that in a situation can change the situation. Good luck with your unplugging from that which is not doing it for you!

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